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Actualizado el 13 Apr, 2024 | Publicado el 19 Jan, 2024

Your partner does things that bother you?

It doesn’t surprise me, it happens to me too.

I’m sure you would like to know how to talk about it without hurting your partner.

Because we would agree on the fact that there really are things that are difficult to say. The fear of talking about what bothers you without hurting your partner exists.

In this post, I’ll give you some tricks so that you can talk about the most difficult topics with your partner with better chance of success.

How to tell your partner that you feel bad

Both in the article and in the video that I bring you, you will find many clues on how you can tell your partner that you feel bad when your partner does things that bother you. But I want to share with you some questions that I think will help you a lot. If after reading the article, you need to go deeper. As specialist in couples therapy in Barcelona I am, I can help you in your relationship.

I want you to think about the last time someone criticized you or talked to you about something about you that bothered them.

– Do you remember how you felt?

– Was there something about the way that information was communicated to you that you value a lot? Something that helped you feel cared for or protected?

– And on the contrary, what would you have liked to be different? what would have helped you to hurt less?

I propose this reflection to you because it will be very useful for you to have a clear idea of ​​what is important to take care of when you are going to transmit sensitive information to your partner. It is obvious that we are not all the same and we do not need the same things, but we all need to feel cared for.

When your partner does things that bother you and you want to convey it to them, take care of them. Keep in mind how you would like me to say it to you and use this information and empathy to take care of both your partner and your relationship.

Your partner does things that bother you?

These are the 2 types of things that can bother you

One of the main difficulties of life as a couple is precisely the fact that there are always parts of the person you share your life with that bother you.

It is not a serious fact in itself, it will depend on whether what irritates you is something you feel able to live with or not:

There are differences with which we can learn to navigate even if they continue to bother us. For example, differences in punctuality or the need for order or cleanliness. In these cases these differences are best navigated by combining patience and tolerance with an openness to negotiating and finding agreed-upon solutions.

– There are differences that we cannot live with and it is very important that you recognize them. For example, in values ​​that are inalienable for you, such as equality between men and women, religious beliefs, political thoughts, spirituality…

Not all the differences that arise as you get to know your partner are salvageable. Therefore, it is very important that you consider whether or not you will be able to live “joyfully” with these differences or if, on the contrary, they will often make you live in tension.

Your partner does things that bother you, what is the best option?

When your partner does things that bother you, you have different options: keep quiet, let it go, get angry, express it, leave the relationship…

If it is something very sporadic and mild, perhaps letting it go may be a good option.

If it is something unacceptable to you and that exceeds your limits, anger is understandable and a good way to protect yourself.

If it is something that you feel unable to live with, leaving the relationship is something that you will have to consider calmly.

Only you can weigh the importance of what has bothered you to make the decision that best helps you feel good.

10 tips to talk about what bothers you without hurting your partner

 

1. Find the best time to talk

If you are afraid to bring up a topic because you know it is difficult, don’t bring it up in the elevator or 1 minute before you go to work. Find a time when you can be calm, when your partner is more receptive. And above all, it counts on you having a little time to talk without rushing. Ah! Don’t even think about bringing up the topic on WhatsApp, you don’t know how many misunderstandings occur every day due to not saying important things face to face.

2. Don’t talk about 20 things at once

When your partner does things that bother you and your thing is not to talk about difficult topics, it is more than likely that you have accumulated several situations that you did not like. And this can lead to the moment you dare to speak, they all come out at once. It is not a good strategy because your partner will feel overwhelmed.
Discuss the topics one at a time. Or what is the same, of everything that worries you TODAY choose just one topic and focus on it. Do not go around the bush or mix several situations because otherwise you will most likely not get anything clearly and go to sleep angry. Tomorrow will be another day and you have plenty of time to talk.

3. Better questions than accusations

When your partner does things that bother you, you will have to start by questioning whether or not your partner really acted with bad intentions. You can’t rule out the possibility of a misunderstanding, so it’s more useful to ask what bothered you before going all out. How come you didn’t tell your mother we couldn’t go? Why didn’t you ask me before meeting Pedro and María? Didn’t you remember that this Saturday is the Champions League Final? Give your partner a chance to explain himself before starting the war.

 

4. Clarify anything that is confusing

Have you asked and still it’s not clear to you? Well, keep asking, breathe and try to clarify everything that worries you. Of course, if you want your partner to feel like answering, don’t turn the questions into accusations. Pay close attention to the tone you are using, don’t raise your voice, don’t get upset. Breathe ooooommmmm Remember that you are trying to clear things up.

5. Avoid generalizations

What are generalizations? Well, all the phrases that begin or contain “always”, “never”, “never”. Look at these examples that may sound familiar to you: “it’s just that you never listen to me”, “it’s just that you are always talking to your mother”, “it’s just that you never think about what I want”. Surely you have heard them or said them more than once in your life. If they have said it to you, I’m sure the tone has been terrible for you so don’t repeat it

6. When you criticize your partner, talk about what he or she does and not what he or she is

Relación de pareja sana
If we put together what I have explained to you in the previous points, you will surely see the difference between “You didn’t make the beds today, what happened?” to “Beds to be made again, it’s just that you never do anything at home, you’re lazy.” Or maybe something like “You spend your life on the phone, you’re unbearable, you’re probably already passing it on to your mother!” instead of “Who are you talking to? I have to tell you something.” Remember that it’s about talking about what’s bothering you without hurting your partner

7. Avoid reproaches and the desire to hurt your partner

Ok, it is very possible that your partner has hurt you. But what are you going to do? Do you hurt him too? It is the best strategy to have a championship discussion but if what you want is to fix things, why don’t you try to reduce the tension?

8. Isn’t everything said in words?

It’s not enough if you don’t say anything to reduce the tension because there are faces that speak more than a poetry encyclopedia. Pay attention to what your body, your gaze, your tone of voice… are communicating.

9. Self-pity

It also doesn’t help that you put yourself in the position of a helpless victim in the face of all the evils that your partner causes. Not a good way to get him to collaborate with you. What will be useful for you is to think about what part of the responsibility you have in what is happening. And also put this letter on the table. Living as a couple is an art and surely you can improve too.

10. Change demands for requests

It is much better to talk about your needs or desires or explain why you would like things to be different by talking only about yourself. Anything you add that makes your partner feel criticized or belittled complicates your path.

Does your partner do things that bother you? Do you see yourself capable of saying it now without hurting your partner?

You now have a few clues to talk about what bothers you without hurting your partner. Remember that no one likes to be attacked, questioned or forced to change. You don’t either! Think about what helps you change or what motivates you to pay attention to your partner and try to do the same thing you would like to receive. If you still can’t talk about certain topics or there is no way to reach an agreement, here we are! Contact us and we will get started to find a way to improve your communication.

por Patricia Maguet Levy

por Patricia Maguet Levy

Bachelor's Degree in Psychology from the Faculty of Psychology at the Autonomous University of Barcelona. Specialized in Clinical Psychology, recognized by the Ministry of Education. Additionally, I completed a master's degree in family therapy, focusing on couples therapy in recent years.

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